Grantham

I don't how it works for the rest of you, but I found out last night that if I need to pray about something, it really helps of I'm in the place I'm praying about. That may seem complicated and unreasonable, but last night the place I needed to pray about was only a ten minute drive from my house. Joel needed to go in that direction anyways.

See, for whatever reason I have been extremely worried and stressed about paying for college. Well, I was upset and worried about more than that, but it's taking a lot for me to work through everything that's bugging me. I have troubles voicing my "deep down opinions" for fear that my parents won't honestly listen, therefore leaving me worse off. Except for the fact that I'll be worse off either way because everything just keeps eating away at me, which is probably one reason why I'm really looking forward to moving out. Even so, I have a feeling that these problems will follow me to whatever residence I end up living in.

Anyways, sorry to digress. As I mentioned, paying for college probably stresses me out more than the work load itself. Even though I have tuition remission, the bill for living (and breathing) at college is a lot for an 18 year old to pay with no help what so ever. Well, I haven't had any help yet. No scholarships (yet) or secret benefactors. I don't even know of anyone who could be a secret benefactor. All I have is my stupid stupid self who just works maybe 7 hours a week if I'm blessed enough, and has been making minimum wage for the past two years! Why did I ever take this in the first place?

So anyways, I'm looking for a new job, and hopefully a full time job for the summer. It's kinda hard to come to this realization before a holiday, because I can't just go out and ask for applications on Good Friday. Well, I could, but I really want to focus on Jesus, not money. I may have to let go of my not working on sundays thing, which bothers me. Seriously, I will die if I don't go to church.

I digressed again! My point is, since I didn't know what to do, and I didn't really feel like being around other people, I took Joel to Chill Time at Grantham, and went to the college library, to work on a scholarship essay. I needed to get online for something, probably just to check my email, but I couldn't access the college's internet on the laptop. I typed in my user name and password, but over and over again it wouldn't work. Even when I came home and tried to log onto my college email, that didn't work either. I don't know what's going on with that, so I hope no one important emails me on my college email. Anyways, I wrote down some ideas for the essay, and then headed down to the creek. I walked around and prayed. And I felt like praying that the place of my future schooling/residence really helped give focus. I know that God would've still been listening if i would've stayed home and prayed, but I would've been distracted. I'm always distracted while I'm trying to something important. Some family member is always either asking/telling me to do something, or wants to show me something, but I'm not getting graded on housework/chores/viewing random youtube videos, I'm getting graded on understanding Shakespeare, and doing calculus problems.(by the way, I'm starting to question why Shakespeare had to be so great. why couldn't he have been a fad that went out with the 16th century?) These distractions are part of the reason I refuse to live at home and go to college.

I really felt at peace while I walked back to Lady Blue.(um..that's our mini van. i have a bit of an emotional attachment to that thing) I'm not exactly sure where to go from here.(insert Pillar song) I guess I need to continue with my job search. I did come to the conclusion that if Jesus can sacrifice His life, maybe I can sacrifice sleep, school work, and sundays(afternoons and evenings). I'm working on being open to pretty much anything, as long as it pays, and can give me lots of hours over the summer. I'll be sad to leave the pizza buffet, seeing how it's been apart of my life for the past two years. They can't give me the hour i need/have been looking for.

I also found last night that walking helps my anger. I've always had problems with anger, but no one bothered to show me practical ways to get rid of it. The only problem with my solution is that I'm not allowed to walk in town after dark, because I'm a vulnerable adult who could get mugged or something. So that leaves me with one other option: writing. How is it that I can never meet word requirements on essays about natural disasters, and yet I have gone on and on and on just now? I have no problem writing. My grammer and style, and comma uses suck, but I like writing.

Speaking of which, I need to switch laundry and then write more for my essay. Maybe later today I can post about planning our lives around TV, and how it's starting to really disgust me, and how I fear it can tear a family a part.